So I was screwing around on Wikipedia, and I somehow got the idea that I should look up my hometown. I guess I’ve got Sauk Village on the brain these days–my parents are moving out of my childhood home this week and I am both relieved that they are leaving and a little sad that my parents’ house is no longer “home.”
Anyhow, I come across this little gem on the Sauk Village Wikipedia page:
“Prominent native sons of Sauk Village include Francoix Gueffier, Jon Ciaponi and Kenny “The Stilp” Stilp.”
1. These guys all graduated from high school in 1991 with me.
2. I don’t think any of them are doing anything interesting with their lives.
3. John Ciapponi’s name is spelled incorrectly.
Seriously. If you’re going to put a shoutout to your friends on Wikipedia, can’t you at least spell their names correctly?
I used to call Francoix “marshmallow head” because his head was square. His retort, “nullified Nanette,” was not only lame, but it also did not make sense. Francoix and I were both double-promoted in elementary school, thus ensuring that we had a built-in rivalry until high school, when both of us stopped giving a shit.
John Ciapponi was the most popular boy in junior high, and we all know what happens to people who peak in junior high: they spend the rest of their lives trying to relive the glory of being twelve years old. I think he played drums in the band or something. My overarching memory of him is that there was a boy in junior high who said that he wanted to have a sex-change operation so they could date. The boy who said this is now out and proud and apparently a very successful interior designer, which means that he has probably done more in the last five minutes of his life that Mr. Ciapponi has done since eighth grade.
The only thing I remember about Kenny Stilp is that he had a really big nose. Apparently, he also had the World’s Lamest Nickname. Recipe for instant lame nickname: take last name, add “The.” Colin, you’re “The Brady” now. Tim? “The Donohue.” I guess this makes me “The Donohue” as well, so please don’t call my house and ask for “The Donohue.” It will only confuse everyone.
Besides, everyone knows that I am Sauk Village’s most prominent native. And I am totally willing to throw down and defend that title. To the death!
My parents are moving to Dyer, Indiana, which also has a Wikipedia page. And an awful motto: “Striving higher in Dyer.” I do believe that’s the community motto equivalent of “The Stilp.”
It is one of the “100 Best Places to Live in the U.S.,” according to Money Magazine. I find it hard to believe that something situated next to Sauk Village could kick that much ass, but I guess I’ll find out when I visit their new house.